Have you ever caught yourself projecting? I mean, when you notice that you’re actively judging someone for something that you should really be working on yourself?
Like criticising your parents for hoarding and never being able to just let go of things. Despite the fact that every drawer of your desk is filled with clippings and paper that you, too, can’t bear to part with.
Or railing against your selfish friend who thinks she’s so much better than you, when you inwardly fear that you are indeed a failure.
I’ve never really given much thought to the idea of projecting until I began devouring a book called The Shadow Effect: Illuminating the Hidden Power of Your True Self
Your shadow is described as the parts of ourselves we deny but that still have power over us. Your shadow depends on a belief system that began to be constructed when you were small.
That time you raised your voice too loudly, and were told to be quiet. When your friends laughed at you, and you felt ashamed of being stared at. When you were told to stay still and stop wriggling.
Over time we create a version of ourselves that is fashioned from the criticism or approval we receive. An ego-driven version that may be suffocating the full expression of ourselves. Who we think we “should” be as opposed to who we “could” be. It steals away our choices.
For me, it was when my parents divorced when I was five, and my dad simply disappeared. I didn’t see him again for years. Cue major abandonment issues and huge sticky fear of being unwanted. Add to the mix a severe teenage weight problem, a step-father who couldn’t stay away from laying it all on the gee-gees and a mother who couldn’t resist laying it all on the Johnny Walker.
Needless to say, I have one hell of a Shadow.
And you know what’s almost hysterically funny? That I’m even writing about this here at all.
You see, I’ve accepted that my personal journey is to allow myself to be who I am, without fear of being rejected. To embrace the whole messy history and say proudly, this is what made me. And to be grateful for the whittling away, the firing in the potter’s furnace.
But to put it out here? The whole me? Are you crazy?
Because I gave up therapy long ago as it felt soooo indulgent. Sitting and talking over and over about my dreadful problems seemed to me to be a complete waste of time. What is past, is past, so what. Just stop complaining and get on with it.
As I grew wiser (oh grasshopper), my coaching and love for all things self-realization taught me that perhaps this isn’t a technique that works for everybody. And certainly this book challenges us to stop ignoring our demons and hope they’ll go away. Because that only makes them stronger.
Instead, we are called to go straight to our most vulnerable negative beliefs and embrace them. And by recognising them we can then use their power over us in positive ways. To allow us more choice about how we want to live our lives. And in my book, anything that gives us more choice is GOOD.
When we see the gifts nestled in our shadows, we begin to “extract the gold in the dark”:
…we bring radical honesty to the places where we’ve been in denial; forgiveness and compassion to the parts we’ve been ashamed of; love and acceptance to the difficult experiences from our past; and courage to the areas of our life where we’ve been afraid to admit our vulnerabilities. It’s not a process of smoothing over, or covering up, or pretending that the things we do to sabotage our success are not that big a deal. In fact only by admitting the cost of some of our behaviours will we unlock the energy to defy the gravitational pull of our past and step into the infinite possibilities of our true self.
And funnily enough, when we are kind to ourselves in this way, it means we are more ready to show the same generosity to others who are in the arms of the same shadows.
If you feel your life is sometimes like a soap opera with the same storyline playing out over and over, chances are that a beasty of a belief is lurking in your shadow, too. Here are some strategies that I found most useful from this book:
- Start with being non-judgemental. Give yourself a break from the incessant criticism – of not being kind enough or generous enough or hard-working enough. Meet yourself where you are now and go from there.
- Notice the yuk feelings then let them go. When you feel affected in a negative way by someone else’s actions or words, chances are you’re projecting. This is a sure sign that there’s a kink in the road at your end that could do with some attention. Go there, acknowledge how it feels and then look for a quality in that kink that would serve you. If it’s selfishness, ask yourself “How can selfishness be a good thing?” Sometimes selfish is what gets books written, for example.
- Rebuild your emotional body. Deepak writes, “If you had a rock in your shoe, you wouldn’t hesitate to remove it. Yet how long have you endured emotional rocks in your shoe?” If it feels horrible, that’s a sign to find something that feels better. So start practising better feelings at every opportunity. I’m a huge believer in the power of this as personally it has changed my life completely.
So much of my brain this week has been devoted to thinking about how I can be as authentic with myself – and with you – as I can possibly be. So I’ve really appreciated the message of this book. I trust that it will help me to forgive the shadows in my past a little more willingly. And to be as open as I can be to the expression of every tiny bit of craziness that makes me who I am.
(If you’re interested in learning more, you may like to view the trailer for the book too.)
I am on a mission to help you find other brilliant, inspiring and provoking books and articles to help you be the change you want to see. This is the first in what will be a regular series of reviews here on the site – every week I look forward to sharing my thoughts on a resource that may end up being The Book That Changed Your Life. If you go on to buy using my links then you’ll be helping me to keep this site blissfully ad free. And I want you to recommend your favourites too! More soon…
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Nice to see more posts like these. This attitude is something we could integrate more in ourselves if we want to be integral artists/people, which I think is a good step.
I understand the idea of being non-judgemental, and this effort is indeed a great pursuit if you tend to go around and have a bitter attitude about yourself, criticising yourself.
But I would still add the notion that I think it is impossible to not judge. If you say judments are not necessary, that is still a judgement. So, awareness is all there is left.
I don’t think we can get rid of anything, beasts or beauties. But we can have a wider view and so, more possibilities rather than just the beast or shadow.
Just some extra musings on this topic. You made me think about it. Thanks for that.
So I agree very much with being aware of the shadow, and to own it. But not to throw it away. That would be like throwing the baby out with the bathwater
Cheers!
Oh yes, you can’t throw away this shadow. But you can own it. Decide what you want in it.
You’re right about judging ourselves – we actually need to the ability to judge, I think, but the real key is deciding whether your judgements are based on useful beliefs that serve us as opposed to unconsciously-formed scaffolding thatonly makes us weaker.
One of the aspects I found myself resisting with this concept is the idea that the shadow is somehow evil. (It is certainly inferred by Marianne Williamson a great deal.) But in labeling this side of ourselves aren’t we perpetuating the shame and guilt that only serves to grow the shadow more?
Your comments are adding beautifully to the conversation – thank you Samuel.
This is a side point, and a geeky one at that, but there’s this old roleplaying game called Wraith where you are a ghost, with unfinished business and stuff that fetters you to Earth. Your character also has a Shadow, which is all the nasty suppressed hurtful and unstable parts of yourself. The really interesting part is that your Shadow… is played by someone else. They physically come up and whisper all the self-destructive and cruel and hateful ideas into your ear. Playing that game makes for a fascinating experience.
Catherine Caine´s last blog ..“What do you do?” is not a rhetorical question
Wow, that’s like the perfect blend of geekiness and self-realization. Thank you!
Book review and self-reflection: you’ve woven these together so beautifully here, Natalie. Thank you for your lovely voice, which rings as true as a bell.
Love, Hiro
Hiro Boga´s last blog ..Tsunamis In the House of Wholeness
How has it taken me so long to find you and your delicious wise website? Soprani FTW.
P.S. Sign me up for your musical tribe stuff please and thank you!
chicsinger simone´s last blog ..Money, Cartman, a new color, the F-bomb and a monster who is just learning to type
I will! Welcome!
Our shadows continue to return in different versions, though it the wisdom to beable to see how it is trying to enter your world again and start to weaken your foundation of belief. Without your shadow you wouldn’t be you, or have the experience to help other. I say as much as I dislike when my shadow returns I also embrace the fact that it shows me how far I’ve come and how pleased that I am that I can be aware of the issues and resolve them. Unlike the rest of my family that love to shove their shadow in a box and never walk with pride of having the past that made who they are today walk behind them.
I don’t know whether this makes sense but I just wanted to share it.
Thanks Nat, for always making me think about life, singing and believing in who I was intended to be!
xo
Thank you for sharing Cherie. x
Don’t you love it when you read a book that you really connect with?! Thanks for being so honest about your own struggles. It’s certainly a challenge to share all that with the world.
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